You Inspire Me!

Jared You inspire me....

   

   You inspired me twelve years ago to let go and love with all my heart. You swept me off my feet with your compassionate heart and romantic spirit. Your love for your family inspired me because after losing your Dad at such a young age you learned how precious family is and you treasure it. When you knelt on the beach asking me to be your wife the love and compassion in your eyes encouraged me that no matter what you and I would face life side by side for the rest of our lives.

   Once we were married and we face adult responsibilities together, you reassure me that no matter what came our way we would do it together. It was not to long before I got sick with Gillian Bare, most men would have walked way, but you stayed by my side doing the best you could as a new young married man. You worked, went to school and then stayed up late with me while in the hospital. You stood by my side and encouragement helped me get better and not give up. The same was true a few years later when trying to conceive when it felt like everything was working against us.

   The day finally did come when we got to become parents not only once, but we were blessed with two children. My heart melted when I saw the love in your eye when you held Kayla and Jaxon for the first time. Even though they are 3 years apart you had that compassion in your eyes both times. I get to see that same sparkle in your eyes each day you come home from work and on your days off when the kids crawl to bed with us to give up good morning kisses. Your love and role of father is breath taking and something I grateful to get to be a witness to daily.

   Nine week ago you were diagnosed with cancer and although it was difficult at times, you faced it in the best way you could. You went through 21 days of treatment with chemotherapy and like you promised we faced it together. We faced the good, the bad, the hard times, the good times, the exhaustion, the scary times, the blessings and the wonderful times together. I look back over the course of our relationship and I am inspired at everything we have faced, we faced it side by side. The last several weeks have reminded me that no matter what comes our way if we look to God and cling to each other we will get through it. We have witnessed it first hand throughout our relationship and I am encourage that this is what we will do in the future.

   Thank you Jared for always being there and walking through this journey by my side. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better wife, friend, daughter, and mother. Thank you for always listening and always being willing to meet me half way. I am touched by your love and grateful for you keeping your vow to always be here no matter what comes our way. Jared you truly amaze me and inspire me. I love you and look forward to spending the rest of my life where I belong which is right by your side!

Pictures

I love my family and treasure our time together!

    Getting Ready for football early!

 A look into our future of dances and Proms!

   The Loves of my life!

GREAT NEWS!!!!!

     We got a bit of good news today! The doctors told Jared his last treatment of chemo will be next Monday. We then will have to wait till May and allow the chemo treatments he has had to do their work. In May the doctors will run another CT scan and we will know if the cancer is all gone. I am excited that Jared is going to be done with treatments and I am excited for him not having to endure the side effects from those treatments. My hope and prayers are that when May rolls around we get the news we have longed to hear which is that Jared is Cancer Free!
       We are thankful to everyone who has been there supporting us through this hard time. Keep the prayers coming. God has been answering prayers left and right and I look forward to the news that Jared is cured. God is good and in him we are putting our trust!

Greater Things are Yet To Come

Life has been so hectic the last few weeks, but I am grateful for how God is working in my life and in my families life. When we found out Jared had cancer my heart broke for my husband. When they told us we may not be able to have any more children because of the treatment Jared would undergo my heart sunk once again. It seems like over the past several weeks had so many things thrown at us. At times hurtles that have come our way have been scary and out of our control and in those moments we have had trust that God is in control. We have had to trust his word that says," For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a 

future." 

    As Jared gets ready to head into week seven out of nine weeks of treatment, I am hopeful that we will get the results that Jared's cancer is gone. I know there is a possibility he may have to have additional treatments, but I know no matter the out come God will carry my family through like he has the past several weeks. I just have to trust and leave him in control.

  After Jared is cured of cancer we will know the fate of if we will ever be able to conceive another child. I was heart broken at first when I thought about the possibilities of never being able to have another child, but I know if God wants me to have another child he will open doors for me to be a mother once again may it be having another child or adoption. I always pictured myself a mother of three but I also know how blessed I am to have the two children I have. I have faith that what ever is meant to be will be and I just need to be thankful for the many blessing that surround me and not look at what I don't have.

 I am learning to not take for granted the blessings around me due to some road blocks. I can let hard and troubled times bring me down and forget to be thankful for what's around me or I can chose to daily strive to look around me and count my many blessings.  I am blessed that God has granted me 12 years of love from a wonderful man, my best friend and the father of my children. I am grateful for our time together and I know we struggle and have our differences, but I love that at the end of the day I get to crawl in bed next to him and snuggle up with him. God has blessed us with a relationship that we treasure and we entrust it to him. I am blessed and grateful for both Kayla and Jaxon and know how lucky I am to have them. There was a time after years of trying and having not success I thought it may never be possible to be a mother. I feel honored and blessed that God entrusted me with these two precious gifts and I pray that God give us wisdom as we raise them. God heard our prayers and blessed us then and I know he is blessing us now and will bless the future I just need to trust in him!

   
 I love the song by Chris Tomlin that reminds me that God has my best interest in mind and I love knowing that "Greater things have yet to come

And greater things are still to be done In this city.

For there is no one like our God

There is no one like our God

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are!" I know that no matter what comes our way God is there and he will get us through even when we can not see light at the end of the tunnel, he can. God has plans for me and my family and I have to trust him and rely on him every step of the way. When I do that I will see his hands and work and be blown away by him.

My journey in Stepping Out in Faith

     As I sit in my home I know I have so much God has blessed me with through out my life. I stand in amazement as he has been with me, carried me and even though I don't always understand what he is doing he always has my best interest in mind. The last six weeks has been an emotional journey while I have had to come along side the man I love and see him fight for his life. The diagnosis of my husband having cancer left me feeling like my world was crashing down all around me. I really thought at times my world was going to fall apart and I would break, but it is funny how God had other plans for me. He called me to step out in my faith challenging me Do you trust me or not. It is funny how easy it is to trust God when everything in your life is going along smoothly, but when life gets hard it is so easy for us to throw are hands up in the air and question our faith.
 
    I don't understand the Whys of my husband having cancer and to be honest I am not sure I will ever know the reasons but God does not owe me and explanation. I either trust in him or I don't. I have seen him provide for my family in so many ways and to be honest it is breath taking. A few times have I felt God strengthen my faith and over the past several weeks I have to admit I have felt him at work. I am so moved, humbled and truly amazed. God surrounded us with people who loved on us and wrapped their arms around us. They supported us through prayers, meals,cards and financially. Every need we were scared about and laid at Gods feet in prayer he met.
 
  When Jared started chemo he had every intention of trying to work while fighting cancer little did we know God had other plans. The chemotherapy was so hard on him and working was not going to be an option and fear rose inside of me. I started to have fear of how we were going to pay our bills not to mention face the medical bills that would soon come from Jared's treatments. I was scared, and at times freaked out when I sat and tried to figure out how I was going to get us through this all. I think that's is when God reminded me, you can not get your family through this only I can and either you'll step out in faith and trust me or you won't. After much prayer and many nights weeping I finally prayed I don't know how this is going to all work out but I am going to trust in you. It was hard letting go of that control and handing it completely to God, but I am so glad I did.

   I have seen God's hand at work and my faith is stronger because I trusted in him. I have also seen the power of prayer.  My mom once told me God sees the whole picture and I am just a speck on his master piece. He can see the whole picture, but when I try to understand things I only a small view of what he is doing. I need to learn to trust in him at all times. It is not easy to let go of the control we all want to think we possess and it is a difficult journey, but when you get to see him answer your prayers and meet your needs in his time it is beyond breath taking. Not to mention as he answers your prayers, that in your mind seem far out of reach, he will answer them in ways you never could imagine. We tend to put God in a box and through all this I have learned he is far bigger than the box I put him in and I need to take him out of the box. I need to stop trying to take control and hand over the control to him and by doing so he will work wonders around you and you will be amazed as much as I have been.

   Although this has been a difficult journey we have grown in our faith and in our marriage as we walked though this. I am not mad that we had to face this and I look forward to the day when the doctors tell Jared he is fully cured.  I have always treasured my husband and my kids, but when something like this happens in life you learn to treasure them even more. Jared has been the love of my life since I was sixteen and sometimes I take for granted telling him how much of a blessing he is to me. I have learned how short life can be and even after a busy hectic day to try to make sure I set time out to let him know how much I love him and how grateful I am for him each day.  The last several weeks have been weeks of growth in my faith and trust. Like I said before I may not see the whole picture and know why, but I hope by sharing my journey through this it will encourage others who are struggling to trust and step out in faith. By stepping out in faith God will bless you in so many ways and you will be left standing in amazement like I have been.
   
   
 

Courageous Movie Quotes

Jared and I decided to watch a movie together last night. We picked the movie Courageous and it was one of the most moving movies I have ever seen with a powerful message about men raising their children in a God honoring way and becoming the leaders of their family that God has called them to be. Here are some moving quotes from the movie that inspired me! If you have not seen this movie it will move you and a box of tissues is needed! It was something Jared and I took the message to heart and somethings we want to apply to our family.


This is the resolution and commitment the men in this movie took to try to be a better husband and father in a way that would honor God!

The Resolution Message:

 "I do solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children. I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home. I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me. I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength. I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly. I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy. I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness, respect, and compassion. I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family. I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged. I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God. I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word, and do His will. I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. ---Joshua 24:15"

One of the character in the movies takes his daughter out for dinner and talks to her about dating and his responsibly to his daughter to protect her! Very moving and something Jared and I want to do with Kayla!

Nathan Hayes: "Jade, I brought you here because I want to tell you how grateful I am that God gave you to me. I see my daughter becoming a beautiful young woman. And I can understand how any young man would be drawn to you. But I would also like for you to know that, as your father, I want the very, very best for you. One day, I'll give you away to another man, and I want that man to love God more than anything. Because if he does, then he'll love you. And I know how young men think. They want to win your heart, but they don't know how to treasure it. So I'd like to make an agreement with you. Jade, if you'll trust me with your heart, and allow me to approve any young man that desires to have more than friendship with you, I promise to take care of you and give you my full blessing when God shows us the right one."

Jade Hayes: "Ok, I will."

Nathan Hayes: "Thank you. I have something to help us remember this night. Jade, will you give me your left hand, please?"

Jade Hayes: "Daddy, is this real?"

Nathan Hayes: "Yes, it is. This is meant to be worn until it is replaced by your wedding ring. Jade, I love you, sweetie. And from this night on, I want to treat you like the young woman that you are."

Jade Hayes: "Daddy, thank you so much. I love you too. I love you."

Here are some other moving quotes from the movie I liked and moved me! This movie was so moving and the message behind it was something I think we all should here and apply to our families!

"I don't want to be a good enough father. We have a few short years to influence our kids. Whatever patterns we set for them in life will be used for their kids, and the generation after that. We have the responsibility to mold a life. And I don't think that should be done casually. Half the fathers in this country are already failing, and I don't want to be one of them. I'm talking about setting the standards that they need to aim for in life."

“You are a rich man.  You have a strong faith.  Children that love you and a wife that adores you.” 

" When you get married, have some kids. Your gonna figure out real quick how much you don't know."

 "Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time fore healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."

"You know, if fathers just did what they're supposed to do half of the junk that we face on the streets wouldn't exist."

Good News!

God is Good!

My heart rejoices with wonderful news and answered Prayers. The doctor told Jared today there is only three small spots of cancer that came back on his CT Scan. They are less than 2 centimeters and they think the next three weeks of chemo will take care of the rest of the cancer. Talk about an answer to prayers! God's is so good and we are so blessed and thankful for all he has done!

CT Results and Kindergarten Round UP

     Jared had his CT Scan this week and we got the results. The results were that the cancer is shrinking, but there are still some cancer cells. Jared has three more week of chemotherapy and after those three weeks they will preform another scan and we will go from there. We are hoping it will be all gone after the next three weeks but if not we will cross the bridge when we get there and go from there. This next week is going to be the big week of chemo which is a hard week on us all especially Jared.
 
    Thursday night was kindergarten round up the night I have been dreading for the last five years. I can not believe my sweet little girl is going to be heading to school in the fall. My mom went with me and Kayla for the round up. Kayla got to meet all eight of the kindergarten teachers and see each classroom and walk around the school which only contains kindergarten and first grade in that building. Kayla was so excited to see some her friends from dance and meet other kids her age. We got to go on a bus ride and I think that was Kayla's all time favorite. She was so sad when it was time to go and cried in the car on the way home that see wanted to go back.
     
     Jared and I went through the packet of papers they gave us and I started filling the packet of papers out. Jared and I signed up Kayla for the two week program this summer that will prepare her for school in the fall. We think it will be good for her and it will prepare her for the upcoming year and make it an easy transition. I am sad that she is heading off to school but also excited for her and this new adventure she is getting ready to begin.
     

    This week has been busy and full of new things. Jared is 6 weeks into his treatment and we are glad to hear the chemo is making progress on shrinking the cancer. We got to go with Kayla and start the process of getting her ready to enter school. All in all it was a week of new adventures and blessings.

There is Hope, When you feel Like You are Drowning!

   Have you ever felt like there is so much unraveling in your life that you are walking along in life and it is like out of nowhere something happens or you receive news and all of a sudden you can't be your bearings. It feels like this situation is going to break you.

  

  I honestly felt like I was swimming along doing my daily life when out of nowhere the doctor diagnosed Jared with cancer. I felt like someone was trying to drown me and I was gasping for air. My first concern was with my husband and not knowing the type of cancer or stage, fear rose up with in me. My biggest fear of possibly losing my husband surfaced and my heart became heavy. I fought back the emotions and tried to push those thoughts out of my brain. While we waited to get the results my mind raced of all the possibilities and out comes could be before us. My head raced and my heart ached knowing the next part of our journey would be a long tough road.

   

 The doctor told finally got the results back with good news that Jared had a curable cancer. The doctor then told us Jared had the same kind of cancer his father had and once again it felt hard to breathe. Jared's dad died not from the Seminoma cancer, but from the side effects from the chemotherapy. My mind raced as the doctors laid out the plans of chemotherapy and what came with that treatment. I knew right then not only was my world shaken, but our two children at home where getting readying to be thrown in to all this chaos. My husband was getting ready to go through the toughest fight of his life. I went kind of numb and to be honest didn't know whether to cry, get mad but prayed for strength to just keep it together until we got out of the doctors office.

    

 I spent the next several nights in prayer and to be honest wept many of those nights asking God to protect my family and to give us strength. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, but as Jared's wife and Kayla and Jaxon's mom it was my job to remain strong. They needed me to keep it together and falling apart was not an option. I really wanted to break down and scream why. I was scared of how we were going to manage all this and pay our bills because Jared was our soul provider. We rely on his pay check and he would have to go on short term disability which would leave us with sixty percent of his pay. When I voiced my concerns to my parents my concerns they told me to trust and have faith. It was hard and knew the best place to start was by reading my bible because my faith felt so little. I came across a devotional that talked about stepping out in faith didn't mean it would be easy or not scary, but either I trust God on I don't. Faith is easy to have when everything is going your way, but when you come to the bumps in the road is when your faith is really tested. I knew in my heart as hard as it was I needed to step out in faith and trust more than ever that God is in control. I remember sitting alone in our family room and laying our my thoughts and concerns out in a prayer and when I was done a peace had filled my once troubled spirit.

  

  Jared is over half way through his treatments and we have seen God's hand at work. He surrounded us with so much love and support that I get teary eyed just thinking about the people who have been around us. Those people have offered kind words, prayers, meals and donations. I stand amazed at how blessed we have been. It has been a difficult journey watching Jared undergo chemotherapy and the effect of the treatments, but God has met everyone of our needs. Thank you does not even seem like enough and I am so humbled by the acts of love. I know that no matter how hard life can get at times and how shaken up we feel, God is in control. He is the one I need to trust in and stepping out in faith is not an easy journey, but when you do step out you will be amazed by his hands at work. I know he is not done and fully expect to hear that Jared's cancer is gone. My hope is by sharing our story someone will see there is hope when you feel like the weight of the world is drowning you, just trust and step out in faith and you will be amazed by God. I know I am truly amazed and blown away.

Kayla and her Friends on TV News Station!

Oreo cookie celebrates 100th birthday
Click on the Link above to see Kayla on our local news!

Today Kayla got in the car and was so excited!I was picking her and the little girl I watch up from preschool.


 " Mom, I get to be on TV tonight!" Kayla said with a huge smile on her face.


   I looked at her kind of hesitant and her teacher who was helping get in the car for pick up at preschool assured me she was correct.Her teacher said that it was Oreo cookie was celebrating it's 100th birthday and Kayla and her preschool classmate got selected to be apart of that celebration.  I was excited for Kayla and of course sent a text out to all our family and turned on our DVR so we would not miss it. Jared was the first person of course who I called and he was at the hospital having a CT scan ran to check and see how the chemo is doing with killing the cancer. He was excited for her and to be honest I think it made his day.


 When the news came on at 5 pm her father and I sat eagerly on the couch waiting to see her on our local news station. The segment came on a little after six and my eyes teared up as I sat proud and watched Kayla and her preschool friends on the television. Jared and I are so proud of her and of course had to brag and share with everyone how excited for her we are. We Love you Kayla!

CT Scans and Kindergarten Round Up

    It is hard to believe we are almost into March. I think these past few months have been a world wind. The new year started off to a great start of Jared getting a job promotion and then a few weeks later we found out he had cancer. I feel like the last several weeks have been fast paced and have flown by.

   Jared is a little over the way point with chemotherapy and tomorrow goes in for a CT to see whether or not chemotherapy is working on killing the cancer cells. I am nervous and excited to see where we are at and get some feed back if they think he will have to go through anymore treatments after his first nine week treatment is over.

   It has been a tough journey and I think Jared has hit some real low points while facing the treatments and the affects from the treatments. It is very hard when someone you love is fighting cancer because truth be told the medications can cause mood swings on top feeling lousy from chemo. It at times can be a tough journey for him and everyone in the family. I have seen my husband face depression as he loses his hair and watches his body fall apart. He gets nose bleeds, can't eat and when he does vomits it up, feels exhausted all the time, his body aches and his moods are all over the map. Jared told me some days he feels so bad that he thinks death would feel better than how he feels, that to me is the lowest you could possibly feel. It is really difficult to see my best friend and husband that low. Knowing there is nothing I can do to make it easier for him breaks my heart at times. All I can do is encourage him to hold on and pray asking God to hold him during this difficult time.

    On a positive note I get to take Kayla to kindergarten round up on Thursday. It is hard to even fathom that my little girl is old enough to go to school. It feels like yesterday when I labored with her for fourteen hours and finally after a c-section got to hold my little girl in my arms. Kayla was perfect and I still can remember how precious it was holding her in my arms. The past five years have flown by and I am afraid if I blink I'll open my eyes and she will be 20. Someone once told me once you have kids time really starts to fly and for me that has been true. I look forward to getting to be there beside her as she gets to journey out on this new journey of school. I am a bit sad and have dreaded this day since I held her in my arms, but I know it will be a wonderful adventure for her. As hard it is for me to let go I better learn to start letting go a little or later down the road it will only become more difficult. I know by her starting school it means the door will be opening for many new journeys and ready or not here they come.

   There is a lot going in my world and lots of new doors and challenges have been placed in front of me. I am learning that no matter how hard it gets from time to time, it will get better and to take it one day at a time. I have been challenged to trust and step out in faith more than ever and it has not been the easiest journey, but who said it was going to be easy. 2012 has been a year of challenges, but I know we will be stronger when they are all said and done.

 

Watching Someone You Love Struggle

The worse feeling in the world is watching someone you love who is sick struggle. Jared has been sick as a dog this week throwing everything he eats. He is pale and it has been weeks since I have seen that man laugh or even smile. The affects of the chemo have affected his eating, his hair, his mood, going to the bathroom, his sleep, and trust me the list goes on.  Jared told me the only time he feels good is when he is sleeping and when he is awake he feels like he is dying. I feel helpless and wish I could do something to make him feel better. 

  The kids have settled down in this process a bit and it no longer scares them when Jared is sick and throwing up, to be honest it has become a part of the norm to them. They know when Jared is sick to go down stairs and play while I try to help him out with anything he needs. Kayla has become my big helper and knows when my hands are full with Jared how to direct Jaxon into another room to play. I am amazed at how great of a help she has been and her brother responds to her very well. I am amazed by their bond and how in this process I have watched that bond grow even deeper. It touches my heart to see and something I hope always remains strong. Kayla and Jaxon love on their dad every chance they get and it is wonderful seeing how compassionate both my children are. I am amazed at how well they are both handling all of this because it has been a lot to coop with.

    We have our good and bad days. I am not going to lie some days are better than others. It has been a huge adjustment. Jared feels horrible all the time,his mood swings are all over the map and I am doing the best I can trying to take care of Jared, the kids, work and manage all the responsibility around the house. There are day I am exhausted and want to just sit on the floor and cry but I don't I just keep holding on. When someone you love has cancer it is not just them going through the battle the whole family takes on that battle. It can be hard, exhausting, scary and even feel at times like everything is out of control. Cancer sucks and the process of beating cancer is not any better. Chemotherapy may kill the cancer cells but it does a toll on a person's body and their emotions. Jared emotions have been all over the map and his mood swings increase with each treatment he does.  Chemotherapy is the necessarily evil in fighting the cancer cells, and it is very hard watching someone you love have to go through this treatment process. We are at the half way point of this treatment and it defiantly has been a journey. 

    It may be difficult at times but I know we will make it through this. I know it is best if we take things day by day and sometimes take things minute by minute. No one said this would be an easy journey to be honest it has been one of the hardest things I have personality been involved with. I cannot even fathom how hard this has been on Jared who is daily living it, but I know when it is all said and done we will look back and see how far God brought us.

Malachi 3:3

My mother in law sent this to me and with everything that has been going on the past several weeks this moved me. I am not sure who wrote this so I can give them the credit but it is very powerful and something I wanted to share!



Malachi3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God ... One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ' He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'He smiled at her and answered, ' Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.' Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once. 'Thank you God, for teaching me to laugh again......But please Lord, don't ever let me forget that I cried.

God's Hands at Work!

Life has been so hectic the past five weeks, but in that chaos I has seen God's hand at work. We have been blessed by the friends and family that surround us. We have seen the power of prayer and our needs get met day after day and Jared and I stand in amazement.

   Strength has come to me when to be honest when I had none left to give. There are days when I have a million and one things to do, my emotions are all over the map and to be honest I am not sure how I am going to do it all but that's just it I can't do it all. I have to take some days minute by minute prayer by prayer and just trust that no matter how chaotic life seems God is there in the midst of it all.

    I remember back to several years ago when Jared and I had been dating for about a year. We sat in the Sonic drive through and talked about Jared's Dad and how hard it was for him to lose his father at such a young age. My heart ached for Jared and his family as he shared with me memories of his father and how hard it was to lose him. I stood in awe of his mothers strength in raising her two boys after losing Jeff and could not fathom how hard it must have been on her. I told Jared that night in the car I am not sure how your mom did it and kept it all together, I don't think I could do it. I didn't understand then that Cheri didn't do it on her own God carried her through it. God placed his hand over Cheri and her boys.  I am sure there were days when Cheri felt lost or over whelmed and God equipped her with the strength and wisdom in those times. I feel that is exactly what God had been doing in my family the last several weeks.

   There have been days when Jared is sick, the kids are running amuck, laundry is over flowing, bills keep coming in, and the chores keep stacking up and just when I felt like I could not take any more I stopped, prayed and wept. Then it was like out of nowhere I had this new found strength. I know sometimes it is hard to understand why things in life happen a certain way but I guess what I have learned over the past several weeks is that I can't see the bigger picture and I am not in control. God is in control and either I trust him or I don't.  Jared and I have been amazed at daily getting to see God at work over our family. Each day we see things happen around us and we know it is him at work. I am blown away by the people he has blessed us with to be our support system during this time. We have seen his hand moving over people who have gave of their time, energy, money, kind words, prayers ,cooking, and there love. We have been so blessed and moved by it all and to be honest we are blown away.

    In the midst of this storm I have felt God's love and his arms around my family more than ever. It may be crazy at times, but knowing God is here is comforting. The bible says he has thoughts and plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I just need to seek him in all that I do and step out in faith trusting that his word is true. I know God is teaching me to have faith in what he is bring me through and that it going to change my life. He has been teaching me I am not in control as much I think I am and truth be told he is the one in control. My job is to trust in him at all times. Even though at times the days seem long and the weight of the world is pushing me down it is awesome that I have a God who loves me and will carry me through that hardship. I have faith that God is going to keep his hand over my family and we are going to continue to see his hand at work and we will continue to give him the glory for all he has done and what he is yet to do.

Prayer.......

     No body wants to be told the possibility of something you dream or hope for may be out of your reach.  I think tonight my heart sunk when I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I know I have my hands full with managing my children,house hold and helping my husband battle cancer.I know being pregnant right now is not something I need on my already full plate. The talk from the doctors of never being able to possibly conceive again rung in my head and weighed my spirit down. I finally broke down and took a pregnancy test knowing that Jared and I had been trying to conceive four weeks prior to him finding out he had cancer. A part of me felt like it may be our last chance to get pregnant due the chemo treatments and the doctors warning us of possible infertility. My heart sunk when I saw the negative line on the pregnancy test that I had to stop and cry. I prayed and laid my burdens at the Lords feet. Something came over me reminding me he is the almighty God and just because the answer is No right now does not mean it will be later. I know Satan is trying to tempt me and bring my spirits down, but I have so much I am blessed with. I also know that the God who loved me enough to die send his son to die on the cross for me still loves me and if I ask it shall be given. It may not be given in the way I want it too or in my timing but it will be in his time and his way.
   We have been talking about prayer in our bible study,and now our church is doing a study on prayer. I know God will hear my prayers and answer them. I have to trust,and lay my prayers at God's feet and trust. Just like I am trusting God to heal my husband from the cancer that is in his body I need to trust that God is in control over my future and he has blessed me beyond anything I deserve and I can't let my heart lose focus on him right now. I need to trust more than ever and go to him in prayer with everything weighing on my heart. The Bible says......

Matthew 21:22

New International Version (NIV)

²² If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Mark 11:24

New International Version (NIV)

²⁴ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Luke 11:9
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the doorwill be opened to you

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have to trust no matter what God is in Control and sees the bigger picture. I need to trust in him at all times and pour out my heart to him.